The next 40 seconds …

No meeting planned tonight.

I was working on finding lodging because I invited myself to my husband’s 5 day vacation which included a 3-day run with his motorcycle chapter, but then opted out because he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, when and if he was going anywhere, and the more I tried to “help” by planning an alternate route and finding good hotel rates, it just seemed to frustrate him.

So, is it my trying to handle the details so everything goes smoothly?  Yes, in my opinion and experience, I can certainly justify that yes with several facts and examples of how hotel rates jump up because the more reasonable hotels are nabbed by people who plan ahead.

Hubby wants an easygoing trip. He didn’t ask me NOT to go, but I opted to stay home. Fuck it. Go on your motorcycle ride and I’ll stay home. Just leave me some money since you’re going camping anyway.

I sit here and wonder if I’m a control freak. What does that gave to do with recovery? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t.

I said I wasn’t mad and I meant it. At the time.

It doesn’t matter why I drank in the past. I suppose there were times I did because I wanted to feel better about something. sometimes, it was for the physical pain I live with, as in self-medicating.

Self-medicating worked for the time I was enjoying it. But then I couldn’t stop at a couple, until I realized I was hiding how much I was drinking, from the husband. Tossing bottles, instead of recycling them. Planning ahead so that when I knew I was going to ‘have a cocktail’, I would have enough to get my buzz going.

The point I am trying to make to myself, I believe, is that I am slightly aware that being home alone for a few nights, that may be a slight risk. But so is going to a nice hotel with a nice restaurant with good food and a martini bar, ‘on vacation’.

I’d say it’s a good idea to get myself to a meeting, stat.

I’m going to hit one, maybe even two, tomorrow.

Stuff is always going to crop up. Life happens. Gotta have or make a plan. I need to get some numbers.

On the upside, there was a woman in my family’s circle of friends who was saying she has been sober for 40 years, on October 12th. How cool was that. 🙂

I’m just working on my next 40 minutes. Even, just going to make sure I get through the next 40 seconds. And that’s how I’m going to make it. For now. For today.



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