A Fear-based Response: to drink or not to drink?

I have an upcoming surgery called Chiari Decompression. It involves tapping into my skull so spinal fluid will flow and a cyst in my spine will decompress (I guess that’s the word). ¬†The symptoms I currently experience will diminish or at least any potential progression will stop. According to the neurosurgeon, the two options to this surgery are death or have another neurosurgeon perform it.

Surgery is scheduled for May 9.

For a second though, I thought, well, if I said forget the surgery and face the rest of my life or whatever is left of it, I think I would indulge in every exotic cocktail with a devil may care attitude. Ok, a second turned to minutes, and I thought about that even more than once since the consultation with Dr. S on April 17th.

I have a pretty good attitude about it overall. By that I mean I haven’t had any anxiety attacks and I am trying to focus on what I think and staying positive. I am also focussing on how best to help the people who are going to be helping me (us), at home post-op.

As for sobriety, today is Day #229. I googled it. I really haven’t tracked it much, except a few times when I was grabbing coffee or powdered creamer in our grocery store. The coffee aisle is also the liquor aisle. How weird.

Sometimes, it’s just another day. Others, a fruity sangria sounds good. Most recently, I was looking for best cold remedies and a hot toddy came up on one website, and I thought about that as part of my arsenal.

I doubt I’ll go to a AA meeting. The few I hit in my area weren’t very newcomer friendly and that’s ok. I’m not into AA. I want to live a conscious, evolving life and self-medicating or getting that buzz kinda gets in the way. Self-medicating is a doorway, or can be, but it should not be a revolving door or both an entrance and the exit.

Just for today, right now, I am aware and I am ok.

My Body is a Miracle. Healing is a miracle. Life, IS a miracle.